I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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