dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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