Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
