seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
