I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
