I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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