Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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