Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
