The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I smell stomach acid.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
