Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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