No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Randomize
