I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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