I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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