the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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