I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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