it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
