i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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