why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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