I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize