the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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