I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
