The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
