I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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