In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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