She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
