Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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