sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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