I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
