there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
