Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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