the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
