And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
