Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
