That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
