I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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