Kareoke will never be a sober sport
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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