There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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