just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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