Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
