if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The adults are the big ones right?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
