I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
