I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
