Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
