Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
