Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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