i barfeds in our rink
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
