my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
