They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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