Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
