Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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