also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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