Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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