Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
