we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
