She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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