Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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