if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The beer is more important than you right now.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
