When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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