Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
