I am puke
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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