I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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