i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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