Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
