she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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