someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize