Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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