I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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