The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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